# Ready Player One? **December 28th, 2022**  I spent a few years of my life questioning the meaning of life and the conclusion I came to was that life is inherently meaningless. “What’s the point of striving for anything when, ultimately, we all share the same fate of mortality?” This was the mindset I had a for a few years which caused me to become stagnant in certain areas of my life and to feel apathetic about the other areas. I wasn’t exerting any control over my life and decided to take the backseat. There was one exception this mentality didn’t affect for some reason. It was gaming. It was always gaming. For whatever reason, the feeling of playing competitive games always seemed to stave off the constant nihilistic feelings of apathy. Maybe it had to do with the fact that the competitiveness of the games I used to play required me to be fully in the moment which didn’t leave me any room to dwell in the nihilistic rabbit-hole, or the simple fact that I couldn’t pay attention to the sensation while trying to keep track of everything that was happening on my computer screen. Anyway, looking back on those former years, gaming was definitely the unexpected stopgap I didn’t know I needed. The feeling of being 100% in the moment and playing against other high level players in a competitive environment is an inexplicable feeling. Especially during games where the outcome could swing in either direction. Anyone that’s ever been in a high-stakes environment knows exactly what I’m talking about. It’s like its own form of meditation. You’re fully focused on accomplishing whatever objective you have in front of you. Your breathing tends to become more shallow. Your heart begins to beat more rapidly in your chest. You’re completely focused on the minute details of whatever is occurring and nothing else matters. Nothing else matters but what you and your teammates decide to do in the here and now. Everything else slowly fades into the background…and then something happens. A catalyst. If you didn’t pay attention, you’ve already missed it. One of the players on the enemy team <a href="https://dignitas.gg/articles/blogs/Unknown/14022/a-fundamental-guide-on-overextending-and-cooldowns-in-lane" class="anchor-highlight">overextends</a> and is immediately taken out by one of your teammates. Everyone starts rapidly communicating and making call-outs to try and complete the objective. Your teammates starts to move in perfect synchronization. The players on the enemy team are being picked off one by one. Your adrenaline is pumping, your movements feel crisp, and everything just seems to work. The enemy team loses all of their players, and your team wins the game. All of your teammates start to yell inaudibly into the microphone, and you can’t stop yourself from smiling because of what just happened. Your breathing starts to calm down until it reaches it’s natural state. Your heart beat slows down until it’s back at its natural cadence. It feels like you can “hear” whatever was going on in the background previously. A few minutes pass by and you realize the match lasted longer than expected and it’s already midnight. Your team collectively decides to end the session and log out for the night. You say your goodbyes, turn off the computer, and head to bed. While lying down, you begin mindlessly scrolling through social media posts that you wish you cared more about. The previous thoughts start flowing in again and you remember how pointless it all truly is. The games always lasts long enough to distract you though. --- I walked away from gaming and made a promise to myself that I would only come back if a virtual reality game with FullDive gear like <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sword_Art_Online" class="anchor-highlight">Sword Art Online</a> was ever released. During those brief but significant years, I taught myself a bit of programming. Just enough to automate certain things which gave me a basic foundation for how programming worked. The beginning stages of learning how to program are the most boring, and often cause people to give up. This is the stage that’ll teach you things like variables, loops, conditions, exceptions - which are the basic building blocks of programming. I struggled to fully immerse myself in learning due to the persistent feeling of apathy which always led me to opt out and focus on gaming instead of programming. It constantly felt like I was fighting an uphill battle even though, looking back on it, I was most likely improving. > “Most days I felt like I was losing in some form or another. My patterns of learning were slow and frustrating, and I started to doubt whether I was capable of accomplishing anything on my own.” - Yan Zhu A few years passed by, and I realized that my nihilistic outlook on life was extremely negative and could lead me down the path of perpetual apathy. I decided to explore philosophy to help me combat this way of thinking. My main motivation was a simple realization: If I keep feeling this way, I won’t be able to complete the projects I eventually want to finish and create the life I’ve envisioned for myself.  On the other hand, if you take this nihilistic worldview as a discovery and move beyond it, you’ll eventually come to the profound realization that you have two choices: 1. Do nothing and allow this pessimistic way of life to permeate to everything you choose to do, which will result in sloppy and uninspired work, amounting to nothing but a life devoid of distinction. 2. Control everything in your life that you have the ability to influence and grant control over the rest to the powers that be. I truly believe that no matter what cards you’ve been dealt in this tower we climb, you can still create a good life for yourself, and it’s no one’s responsibility but yours to do so. At this point in my life, there’s no more discussion to be had. No more theatrics. No more fantasizing about the “what-ifs”. It’s do or don’t. I know exactly what needs to be done to reach my destination. I’ve noticed that I tend to go through ephemeral periods of highs and lows. Whenever I experience my lows, I tend to reserve judgement on certain things and allow others to take the reins. I tend to ask rhetorical questions as if I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Oftentimes, I use these questions and the answers from others to validate my own thought process. Is there anything wrong with asking questions? Of course not. However, asking questions you already know the answer to is a problem. It’s a waste of time. In the wise words of [Hansung Yu](https://towerofgod.fandom.com/wiki/Yu_Han_Sung): > “You can’t do anything without assurance. You can never open a door if you’re not certain of success. However, Mr. Khun, the world never waits for you to choose an answer. These numerous doors which were all correct will turn into doors of death after mere seconds.” I have the information (doors) in front of me. Is it the correct information (door)? I have no clue, but at least it’s information. I know the general direction of where I want to go. The only task that’s left is to open one of the many doors in front of me and see what’s on the opposite side. I need to remember to cherish the feelings I’m experiencing during this stage of the ascension to the top of the tower. I can feel the invisible force that’s been continuously guiding me along this journey thus far begin to pull me in multiple directions once again. If I were to rage against the machine until my dying day and continue my climb up the tower, what would be the cost? I’d only have to pay with the currency of life: Time. That's gonna fly by anyway.