Mizu no kokoro

# Mizu no kokoro **May 5th, 2024** ![](../../Attachments/mizu_no_kokoro.png) >"Everyone goes through life burdened by some curse." - Mike Morris (Ninja Kamui) Three shadows follow me wherever I roam, so how could I ever be alone? An oath was spoken to the universe, so that life itself and the powers that be would hold me accountable if I ever decided to break it. For reasons unknown, I just can’t seem to let go. Maybe it has to do with ego or pride, but somewhere in my subconscious are the echoes of familiar voices constantly screaming at me to continue playing. Whenever my grip starts to loosen on the reigns, the voices start to intensify, violently bringing me back to my senses, commanding me to finish what I started. Realizing my dreams and obtaining freedom. True freedom. However that may have looked to me. Wasn’t that always the objective? Although now, it’s probably taken on different forms the older I’ve gotten. Despite its ever-changing structure, the essence of what “that” is to me has always stayed the same. The beginning of freedom began when I finally realized the answer to what “It” and “I” were—two puzzling concepts that had plagued me for several years, only for the answer to be found in one morning. Boredom was a necessary factor in accelerating this process. It has the uncanny ability to afford you with the time to think and understand the many questions that have etched themselves into the background of your subconscious. Perhaps the beginning of finding the answer was defining what “I” and “It” are. “It's just two sides of the same coin” was what I initially thought, but the answer was more akin to staring into a mirror and seeing my reflection. What is the concept of self? What are the internal and external factors that defines a person? Is it their personality, their life experiences, or the environment they were raised in? What is it I’m chasing after? Is it tangible? How will I know once I’ve obtained it? Will I be satisfied with the answer? Am I sure I even want to find what I’m looking for? My usual attempts of failing to seek the answer to these questions inevitably led to the same place: myself. If the answers aren’t external, then they must be internal. The answer was always there, right in front of me, but I wasn’t able to see it, or maybe I wasn’t paying attention. Realizing what the answer was felt like searching for something, only for your brain to ignore it while it rests in the palm of your hand. The troubling echoes from the subconscious always seem to grow more faint as the mind becomes calmer. There isn’t a single bone in my body that feels fear anymore at this point in time. Then again, maybe it was never actually fear, and I was just a little confused. --- "In the distance I could hear the echoing cries from seagulls flying overhead, waiting for their human counterparts on land to leave behind morsels of food. I could feel my essence weakening as I floated in the middle of the ocean, realizing my time here was slowly coming to an end. “How many hours has it been?” I thought to myself. I always promise myself to not waste more time than I have to during these adventures, but time doesn’t seem to exist here for some reason. Five minutes turns into fifteen, an hour feels like thirty. Suddenly, the water around me began to shift, and the waves began to increase in size. My heart raced, and the pulse from my temples grew louder with each passing second. The ocean’s pure blue color began changing to a darker shade, and I could no longer hear the squawks from seagulls near the shore. Stillness. An eerie silence followed shortly after. I glanced beneath me and noticed a gigantic shadow. The water around me began to violently shift as if the creature below sensed my presence. I flailed vigorously in futile attempts to keep myself afloat, but eventually, I succumbed to the overwhelming force of nature. As I drifted further into ocean’s depths, I began to hear low murmurs. The deeper I sank, the louder they became, followed by intense, high-pitched shrieks. This pattern repeated itself, growing louder the deeper I descended. The water grew murkier, as if to intentionally obstruct my vision. It became increasingly difficult to make sense of what was happening around me, while the sounds continued to intensify. I strained my eyes in an attempt to observe what was taking place, and noticed the gigantic creature had made its return. It began to slowly make its way towards me. My body felt immobilized by the events that were taking place, but strangely enough, I didn’t feel afraid. As the creature advanced, I caught sight of other shadows trailing behind it, each with their own distinct shapes, sizes, and unique colors, some larger than others. The closer they approached, the more intense the shrieks and murmurs became, forming a pattern as if I was witnessing a strange symphonic lullaby. My vision grew blurrier, and the murkiness of the water prevented me from making much sense of what was occurring. Once the creatures arrived, I instantly recognized their familiar shapes. I’ve seen them countless times in various forms of media. How could I ever forget? These enigmatic beings that have dwelled in the oceans for millennia, forgotten by most of humanity until the surface air calls out for them. As the group swam past me, I noticed the enormous creature from before silently watching me. Its gaze pierced through my very being, seemingly making my body transparent. I returned the stare, and watched it swim past me as though I was invisible. I was just another specimen on the ever-growing list of countless organisms it encountered during its many voyages within the all-blue. This brief encounter left me with a single feeling: insignificance. A cathartic feeling of insignificance. I watched the creatures swim past me, observing their unique features, each being different than the one before. Some were grotesque looking with bodies riddled with scars, others were unbelievably symmetrical, and their skin seemed to glow, as if to illuminate the murkiness of the water. I felt a genuine sense of fondness while watching each of them make their way past me. It seemed like I was somehow strangely connected to them, as if I were observing the scattered fragments of my soul in the ocean’s depths. The captivating experience was an innocent distraction that left me unaware to how strained my essence had become, which made me realize that my time here had reached its end. As I watched the creatures navigate their way through the ocean, my vision faded. While my senses slowly started to come back, I began to faintly hear the familiar monotone humming of an AC system and realized my skin didn’t feel wet anymore. I slowly opened my eyes and was immediately greeted by the daily alarm from my phone. Revitalized with a renewed sense of self, I removed my blankets and made my way to the main door of my bedroom, paused for a second, and opened it. A gust of wind viciously blew past me accompanied, by the sound of violent thunder, lightning, and pouring rain. I observed the surroundings and noticed I was standing at the top of a hill in a desert-like environment. While my eyes continued scanning the unusual atmosphere, I was able to barely make out the appearance of a train in the distance. Its tracks lead towards a tower whose peak seemed to vanish into the sky. I noticed the shadows of two silhouettes frantically waving me over as the train doors began to close. I started slowly walking towards the train. My feet began to pick up the pace until I was in a full on sprint down the hill. I clumsily tumbled down the hill, regained my balance, and noticed the train had already began to accelerate. I restarted the race, running as fast my legs could go. As I approached the train, I could hear the muffled voices of the silhouettes from earlier shouting. The unfavorable weather conditions made it difficult to understand what they were saying, but I carried on anyway. Rain droplets continued to crash against my face while I charged towards the train. I could see the outstretched arms of the silhouettes just a few feet ahead, waiting to pull me aboard. The train had fully accelerated, and I started to have doubts if I would be able to catch up. The voices from the silhouettes had become louder, and I was finally able to hear what they were saying. They were calling my name. My lungs had reached their limit, and my legs could carry me no further. With my arms extended forward, I closed my eyes and jumped. I instantly felt a few sets of hands tug on my arms and to pull me safely aboard. I tumbled into the bodies of the people who helped me get onboard. After a minute or so of laying on the ground to regain my breath, I slowly sat up to examine the faces of the people who helped me. A man and a woman with familiar faces I’ve seen several times. They were sheepishly grinning at me as if to anticipate what I was thinking. In a perfectly timed, almost comical fashion, we all burst into uncontrollable laughter.” - **vaxzem (A Whale Song)**